October 24, 2019
I spent a lot of time during my bed rest listening to many Brooklyn Tabernacle sermons. Some days I couldn’t get motivated to spend a significant amount of time reading my Bible; however, I knew that if I didn’t feed my mind with His Word, my mind would wander to places of fear, doubt, and worry. On October 23rd I chose a random sermon to listen to from the BrooklynTab app. I only knew that it would be addressing thankfulness. The speaker was a guest pastor visiting the Brooklyn Tabernacle. He shared part of his family’s testimony about his grandson who was born 3.5 months early. His grandson was now 18 months old, thriving, healthy, and well and he was thanking God for those blessings. I went to sleep feeling very encouraged that night.
As the night went on, I began to experience some discomfort. I cradled my stomach and whispered to God “take care of us, Lord”, and then I whispered to my girls, “it’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay.” I mentioned before that I would have contractions pretty much every night, but these were starting to feel different. I felt the pain going more into my back. It was the familiar pain of back labor. I kept trying to pray these contractions away. I drank more water. I watched TV to try to distract me. But the contractions were getting closer and increasingly painful, so I hit my “call light” and the nurse came in. She called the resident in, she looked up at me with a gentle smile and said “It’s time for you to meet Cora and Jane”… 3.5 months early. It was then, that I knew we were meant to listen to the before mentioned sermon that night. Within minutes they were prepping me for a c-section and getting another round of magnesium going because it’s supposed to help protect the vessels of premature babies’ brains. Thankfully, Chris had already planned to stay over at the hospital that night, so he was already there when everything started taking place.
Everyone on the medical team was working very quickly to prepare everything. It was such a whirlwind of activity. Until the surgery began. Then it felt like everything was moving slower than molasses. Not because it actually was, but because I just wanted this part to be over and I wanted to hear the words that Cora and Jane were okay. It felt like an eternity. At 2:03 AM the doctor announced that “Baby A” was born, and shortly after the announcement we heard what sounded like a newborn kitten crying. At 2:06 the doctor said “Baby B is out, and she has very long fingernails!” and again, that little meow of a cry. Hearing their little voices brought such sweet consolation. They were alive. They were breathing.
As we waited in the post-surgery recovery room, the on call neonatologist came in to tell us the girls were both stable, and that they’d be transferred to the nearby children’s hospital shortly. Before he left, he looked at us with tired eyes, shrugged his shoulders, held up his hands, and said in a discouraging voice: “we’ll do what we can”. Pretty encouraging, right? This doctor went on to be one of our biggest advocates toward the end of our NICU stay, so we came to forgive his less than enthusiastic bedside manner from the night we first met :). The transport nurses then wheeled the girls in, took a few photos for us, and were on their way. I felt so physically ill (mostly from medications) and tired, that I can’t even tell you the emotions I was feeling in that moment. Almost numb, I suppose. But not without hope.
Magnesium, pain medications, and side effects of the spinal block left me feeling exceptionally woozy and groggy. Because I was unable to keep any food or water down for some time, I was physically very weak and unable to get out of bed unattended; therefore, I wasn’t able to get over to my girls on the first day of their birth. Chris spent most of the day at the NICU with the girls. He had the privilege of introducing Asher to his new baby sisters. I’m told their smallness didn’t faze him. He marveled at their movements and said “My sisters are sweeter than cupcakes!” If you know Asher, that’s a pretty big compliment because dessert is literally one of his love languages. He then proceeded to say that Cora was a sweetie, and Jane looked to be a bit of a prankster. We have no idea where he came up with that, but so far, it’s proven to be pretty true concerning Cora and Jane’s personalities.
The following day I was feeling much better, and as soon as we were able, Chris took me over to see Cora and Jane in the NICU. The closer we got to the NICU, the more anxious my heart grew. Not that I didn’t want to see them, I did, but I was nervous about being in that environment again. The environment in which I said both hello and goodbye to our first daughter, Audrey. I was afraid of how all the alarms, wires, and smells would trigger my grief in an overwhelming way. As we approached their room I took a deep breath, because while many parents may say “they didn’t know what to expect” meeting their preemie for the first time, I knew exactly what to expect entering that room. I wasn’t sure I was ready to experience that again. I stood by their isolettes in silence, trying to take it all in.
When I observed the frailty of their tiny 700g bodies, my emotions felt about as fragile as their physical bodies. When I looked at them I couldn’t help but see Audrey, and I was afraid. Afraid that I would have to say goodbye to them too soon. Shortly after arriving, Dr. L came in to give us an update. She gave us a lot of medical information that the team discussed in rounds. It was overwhelming and I had a hard time holding back my tears. However, at the end of her update she said something that gave me hope. She said “I want you to know, I am very impressed with these two.” I couldn’t tell you anything else she told us that day, but that last phrase will stick with me forever because of the hope it gave. I’ve learned that if NICU parents need anything, it’s hope. And with that, I didn’t just see Audrey anymore; I saw Cora Grace and Jane Addison.
Cora and Jane turn TWO years old today. Today they are thriving, meeting their milestones, and growing beautifully. They are walking, talking, playing, laughing, eating, *fussing*… ALL the things 2 year olds love to do – they’re experiencing it all. And so today with a grateful heart, we thank God for all the many blessings our family has undeservingly been the recipient of.
Happy Birthday, Cora and Jane!
