Stand Still

When Cora and Jane were 10 days old their neonatologist ordered head ultrasounds to be performed to check for bleeding in the brain. This was discussed during medical rounds in the morning, and the team explained that the ultrasounds would be done at some point later that day. Our first daughter, Audrey, who was born at 24 weeks (7 years prior to the birth of our twins) had significant brain bleeds and we were told the effects of that bleeding would be devasting if she were to survive. For those who may not know, Audrey passed away roughly 36 hours after birth due to severe infection. I was flooded with emotions, not only with worry for these precious twin girls, but I was also feeling the weight of my grief over the loss of our firstborn. I was literally reliving some of the very same tests and procedures we watched Audrey go through and I was terrified. The doctor must have picked up what I was putting down… that being my nerves and lingering PTSD. After rounds were over, the doctor kindly came over to speak with me and Chris privately. God bless Dr. P. I appreciated all the doctors that cared for our girls over the course of 6.5 months, but Dr. P was at the top of our list. She gave me a hug and asked how we were doing. She told us due to how premature the girls were that she would not be surprised at all if the girls had some bleeding. But she also shared how encouraging it was that neither of the girls were acting as though they had brain bleeds. She gave us another hug and told us she’d be back in to speak with us after the results of the ultrasounds were in.

The ultrasounds didn’t happen until later that day, so we wouldn’t know the results until the next day. That night, I begged God that the girls would be free of any bleeding within their brains. The next morning, we went into their NICU room anxious to hear the results. When the team came in for rounds, I was behind the curtain pumping. They started with Cora and announced that the ultrasound had determined bilateral grade II/III Intraventricular hemorrhages (IVH)  – bleeding into the fluid-filled areas, or ventricles, surrounded by the brain. My heart sank. When they finished rounding on Cora, they announced that Jane also had bilateral grade II IVH. My heart shattered. The severity of intraventricular hemorrhaging is measured on a scale of grade I – grade IV. The team asked if we had any questions, and at that moment I didn’t have any questions, I was just scared. The doctor tried to encourage us saying that our girls could do beautifully. And while I appreciated her heart, all I heard in that sentence was could. Again, the uncertainty of the condition had put a pit in my stomach.

Chris came behind the curtain after the team had left our room, and I began to cry. That’s when he told me that he too felt like he was going to break when the team first shared those results with us. But then the words “stand still” came to his mind as if God had put them there. So we began to read in Exodus 14 where the people of Israel were fleeing Egypt after years of captivity. But then they came to the Red Sea. As they stood at the Red Sea, the Egyptian army was comin’ in hot on their tails. The people threw up their hands in defeat and began to cry out in fear. Had God led them this far just to be captured by their enemies again? But that’s when Moses told them in verse 13,

“Fear not. Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord,

which He will work for you today.

For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more.

 The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.”

When I read “For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more.” Without even thinking I read it like this “For the brain bleeds that you see today, you shall see again no more”. And just like that, it was settled for us. That fear was gone. We knew Cora and Jane wouldn’t suffer from those brain bleeds. Cora and Jane’s bleeding resolved on its own before their discharge from the NICU.

The girls are now 2.5 years old and they haven’t suffered any ill effect as a result of those brain bleeds. They continue to thrive as they continue to grow. Another testimony I will carry with me into eternity! God is so good and He is so kind.